It started happening to me a while ago. I have a habit of forgetting things ever since I left my town in December 2021.
I moved from my hometown to Yangon to work as a reporter. I had no relatives there, and my parents were far away. After the coup, when politics became volatile, I went back to my parents since I had no one to rely on and no place to hide in Yangon. In those days, mobile data was cut off and only fiber internet was available. So I had to go to the nearest city to use the internet for some time. This was not convenient for the long term so I had to search for another place again and found somewhere which was about 15 miles away from my place. I had no desire to stop doing my job, so I had to travel 15 miles twice a week, just to use the internet. For me, those 15 miles were like hell because I had to pass through many military checkpoints on the way. It was always terrifying because I was carrying computers, phones and recording devices with me.
Even at that place I was staying, it was not private to use the internet and do my reporting job; I had to work stealthily all the time. My family also suffered because of me. My mother could not even sleep well at night as she was constantly checking the front door and checking if I was still in my bedroom. I felt really bad for them. They had to live with anxiety which kept them wide awake at night and ruined their appetites because they were always worried for my security.
That’s why I finally decided to move abroad. But I didn't stop working. Although I feel worried for my family, I am more scared of the guilt I would feel if I stop working. Reporting is not a pleasant job because I have to see and hear horrible news, photos, and witness the mourning of people that I interview. Every time I hear about villages in the countryside being burnt down, my mind gets dreadful premonitions, and I even have chest pains and trouble breathing.
However I may feel in the morning, I forget about those feelings by the evening. It seems that I can control my conscious mind but it’s impossible to manage the nightmares. Sometimes I have continuous horrible dreams. Sometimes I get arrested in the dreams. Those are so horrifying. But when I wake up from those dreams, I realize such a thing has not happened to me yet. As soon as I get my consciousness back after the dream, I try to forget it and I think to myself that I have succeeded… until I hear or see another event that I relate to. I have become used to forcing myself to forget such things, but I have found myself forgetting other things like what I want to say and what I want to do. I even forget to cry. I cannot shed a tear.
When I recall my memories about the days I was in the country and most scared of being captured by the military group, I might be able to remember the event but not the emotions I had at that time. How does it feel to be scared? How does it feel to be nervous or sad? Even when people cry out something horrible that has happened in front of me, I find myself standing still and feeling numb. I really can’t remember how to be emotional anymore and I don’t want to remember too. I guess it would be too painful for me to remember those emotions again. I am afraid that all those emotions, like sadness, anger and anxiety, would make it difficult to work everyday if I could feel them again.
If I want to keep reporting, have some income, stay alive and contribute to the revolution, I know I cannot be that mentally exhausted. So, I will just keep on writing and reporting news. I will only feel those emotions while I am writing but will forget later on. I will try to stay like this for as long as I can. I will just forget about my own feelings as long as I can. No matter what it’ll cost in the future.
People usually tend to feel numb or forget what we experienced when we feel so much pain. This is a very normal human response to traumatic events. You are not alone and this happens to everyone. We usually choose to ignore those feelings/experiences in order to keep going with our lives, without healing them. In fact, they still remain in our brain. Traumas can reappear over time and have an impact on our mental health if they are not healed. When you feel numb or forget your traumatic experience, you should ask for help from mental health counsellors. Having counselling sessions is not something to be ashamed of. Just like going to a doctor when your body is sick, you can seek help from mental health experts when you are not feeling mentally well. Only when your mind is healthy, you can do whatever you want, without feeling like a robot.