That was the only time I ever felt so small. I never knew the meaning of that phrase before, “I feel so small...”
Everything in the world seems so big that it might fall upon me and hurt me. Everything seems scary and suffocates me, but I cannot even find a place to hide. I don’t have any self-confidence anymore or self esteem. I feel like I cannot trust anyone anymore. I wanted to disappear, but under those eyes which looked at me all the time and saw every single thing, I couldn’t. Now I understand that, oh, this is the meaning of feeling small.
I felt it when I knew my partner was sleeping with other people. I couldn’t believe it. I denied it. No no no...it couldn’t be…this must be a one time thing...I know very well how much my partner loves me…let them explain…yeah, I should give them a chance to explain. My partner might cry and beg for my forgiveness because of what a silly thing they did. Then I will tell my partner to forget the past and carry on, with a fresh start. That was my plan.
But in reality, my partner said, “I don’t love you anymore. It's been a while already…I’m happy with another person…I can’t be with you anymore,” with a very calm and icy tone. I had to accept reality no matter how much I wanted to deny it. I was in hell. I cried. I punched the walls. I slapped myself, beat myself, pulled my hair. I screamed in anger. I cried out loud…so loud.
“Cheating f**ker!” I tried to curse but I couldn’t even bring myself to call my partner with those dirty filthy words. What did I do wrong? What was I missing? Didn’t I do enough? Am I not enough? Is it because I didn’t show my love enough…? I thought about all the, “What did I…” questions...it was all on me…me. It had to be me…
I was also afraid that other people might find out about this. “They always bragged about how much they loved each other…look at them now…” I thought everyone talked about me behind my back. All my nights were filled with bad dreams. I became afraid of people and what they could be talking about. My friend asked what happened to me, but I didn’t want to talk to him either. The person whom I loved with all my heart and soul, the person who I believed 100%, hurt me. They happily made love with another person behind my back. Betrayed me. Lied to me and acted like nothing happened. I thought, ‘who could I believe, when even this kind of person has hurt me. I became an untrusting person. Those vicious thorns appeared in me one by one…
My talent, my beauty, my passions, all of my sparks were gone because I thought my partner did this to me because I don’t have enough of those qualities. I don’t have the sense of security that comes from the feeling of being loved. I wondered if my partner even loved me from the start. Because I thought someone couldn’t possibly do this to hurt another person who they love. Everything around me and in the world seems ugly and annoying to me. I am not happy anymore. Being cheated on is a very bad feeling. You have to admit that.
People told me that I have to learn how to love myself to escape from this hell. That’s what I’m trying now. I want to know how to love. I want to know how to trust. To be confident. To be happy. To be healthy. To feel pretty, for me and myself.
People grieve when they face the loss of someone due to death, or in this story, the ending of a relationship. Typically, there are five main emotions associated with grief. Feeling this way is natural and even necessary. These emotions are steps forward in the healing journey, even when it doesn’t feel like it at that moment. These emotions are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. There’s no proper order to go through these 5 emotions. You can be healed only after you accept reality, and move forward. Like the person in this story, after denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, they are on the path of healing. They have accepted the fact that it’s not their fault that their partner cheated. They are trying to love themselves.