I had nightmares the day I saw a yellow cat on the street. In my dream, I saw Phoe Choi yowling. He was freezing cold in the rain and so hungry that he was shaking. As usual, people kicked and shouted at him and he was in great trouble. My heart ached to see him like that and I cried. Then I woke up from the nightmare. “Are you in such danger in real life too, my poor Phoe Choi? Are you even alive? Do you hate me? Do you forgive me?
When I first moved to the ethnic area, you were also new to that area, weren’t you? No one loved you because they thought you were too ugly and your cracked voice wasn't adorable to them at all. Only I, who had been obsessed with cats and left all of my eleven kittens back in Yangon, loved you unconditionally. You were always there for me back when everything was so hard, when I arrived there totally unprepared, with just a handful of personal things and nothing else. You were the only thing that reminded me that I was not alone. We spent a long time together, taking care of each other despite the rough situation we were in, didn’t we?
But sometimes you were also difficult. You annoyed people by going for a piss everywhere. Someone’s laptop even broke because you peed on it, and I had to compensate him with money I barely had.
By the time the situation got worse, that place was no longer safe and we had to move. People that came to help us leave got mad at me because I was delayed trying to find you. You were screaming out of fear in a tiny kitty bag and so scared when you saw the river from the boat we were in. I felt terrible to see and hear you like that. That was the reason I let you out for a while when we arrived at the village we had to sleep in due to issues at the checkpoint. I hoped you could stretch out. You were just wandering around my bed, coming back and forth so I wasn’t concerned about you not coming back.
I was exhausted both mentally and physically and I thought I took just a short nap, but it was long enough for you to vanish completely. I couldn’t find you anywhere when I woke up. I was trying to sneak into a foreign country illegally. How long would they wait for me to find a cat? You didn’t come back no matter how many times I called your name or looked for you. Eventually, I had to leave without you. I told the villagers to contact me if they found you and shared all the possible ways to contact me - as many ways as I could think of. Later I realized that they wouldn’t care much about finding an ugly kitten like you. That’s not all… all my money was stolen during that time and I barely had 200 in my hand. It was a disaster for me to try to survive with that much money. Even if they found you, I would not be able to afford to bring you with me. Was there any way you knew all these things and decided not to come back to me?
I can probably talk to anyone about how horrible the situation in our country is, how innocent citizens are suffering from atrocities, how badly I am worried for my family or all about the problems with my marriage. But I have not told anyone about the guilt I feel for getting you into that bad situation, just because of me. And even if I did, I could not tolerate being judged for being too emotional over a kitten. But you were more than just a pet for me; you were there for me when I was so lonely and had no one to rely on. If only I hadn’t selfishly brought you along with me, you would not have been troubled. You would have remained safe in the place you were familiar with. Just because I did not want to be lonely, I forced you to come with me and now you are alone in a strange environment. You must be so scared. How are you surviving? Are there any other cats and dogs harming you? Are you feeling good? Are you even alive? Are you blaming me? I sincerely apologize to you.
Just now I saw a yellow cat on the fence over there while I was thinking about you. I guess I will have nightmares again.
We tend to rely on those who are willing to support us when we are in need. As a result, being apart from our beloved people or pets is very painful for us. The memories continue to haunt us, or we feel guilty about the situation. These are very common human emotions. Anyway, we must remind ourselves that we have no control over certain situations. It simply happens. It is critical to reduce self-guilt over a situation which we have no control over and to heal ourselves after such a traumatic experience. Trying activities we enjoy, journaling, exercising, and meditating are some ideas. Please keep in mind that our mental well-being is the most important for everyone.