Litany against Fear
Vietnam, Ha Giang Loop, May 2022:
As a single female traveler, I was riding a motorbike up in a remote mountain landscape sprinkled with farms and villages. I ended up on a road under construction, which was terrible. It was close to dusk and there was no reasonable option other than to push through, even if my anxiety was growing exponentially. There was a guy driving in front of me who recognized my dilemma and signed that I should follow his lead. With great relief, I did. He led me through 20km of slippery trails until we reached a well paved road again. As the tension fell, my limbs began to shake, so I took a break. The guy stopped as well, and asked for a selfie, a request which didn’t give me a second thought. He then proceeded to wrap his arm around my hip, pull me hard against him, and attempt to slip his tongue into my mouth, which terrified me. As I pushed him away, a sudden numbness started to unfold and cover my mind.
I mutely stepped back and drove away with no further interaction. Moments later, I heard a honking behind me and I knew that he was chasing me. Still high up in the mountains, driving on wet, winding roads with the night setting in, the numbness switched to fear. He sped up and came very close to me and started screaming: "Hotel! Hotel!" Then, he shoved his phone into my face. A video of hardcore porn was playing. Instantly, an ice-cold needle of fear pierced into the base of my skull. A stone of jelly consistency grew heavy inside my chest.
By sheer power of will I suppressed any instant reaction and slowed my motorbike down until standing. I took two shaking breaths to get my shit together and then barfed: "Get-the-F-U-C-K-away." He didn't understand English so he didn’t go fuck himself. Fear was holding me in a tight grip, clouding my consciousness; a feeling like sliding down on a steady slope.
Fortunately, we were in the middle of the road, so he couldn't take advantage of me. After a while of continuously shouting at me, he finally drove ahead. Finally, alone on the roadside, I reached out for my inner Strategist. She took over and started contacting friends and sharing my location, as a first aid precaution. She also came up with an emergency plan for the worst-case scenario, after which I continued driving.
After 500m of driving ahead, he was pursuing me again. I realized to my horror that I would not be able to reach the safety of my accommodation. Either he would get me or we would have a bad accident. I slowed down again while he sped up, and I let myself drop out of sight. I stopped randomly at a farmhouse and hid behind a brick wall. That day I was wearing colorful clothes, so my inner Strategist told me to change into black and white apparel. I did, and then continued driving. The guy was lurking at the side of the road again. He overlooked me. I drove by and reached the hotel later on.
When I went for dinner that night, I realized I was hunching my back and hiding in the shadows on the sidewalks in order to not draw any attention to myself. I felt like a victim and I behaved like a victim. I realized that I hadn't escaped unharmed after all. In the aftermath, I had to overcome the mindset of a victim as well.
I will leave this story for now. Telling it to other people I often get the response that I should be more cautious and that I shouldn't travel alone. But what are the implications if I adjust my behavior based on these suggestions?
Number 1: I should be more cautious. I’d have to reintroduce a mindset of general mistrust towards the male half of the human race. Mistrust is an evasion out of fear and being cautious is the attempt to avoid this excruciating emotion. Avoidance of fear per se can't reinstate a sense of trust or safety. The fear is still nesting in one’s mind. In my experience decisions based on fear tend to lead to failure and self-harm.
I am declining, being more cautious in the future.
Number 2: I should not travel alone. Traveling with other females will not solve the problem, you can still be attacked, even as a group. Traveling with a male protector, being marked as already claimed, is another option. Sure, this measurement can reduce the risk, but also there are many harassment cases reported in these settings as well. Even if I avoided traveling, there are plenty of instances of sexualized violence taking place in my hometown. It is evident that most common form of violence against women is domestic violence. Is the answer to avoid relationships? Staying at home all alone by myself? But what if the driver who’s delivering food takes advantage of me? As you can see, we can follow down this rabbit hole of fear all the way to the point of no return. So, there is one question to be asked:
WHERE ON EARTH IS A WOMAN SAFE?
The answer is: Nowhere. The threat of violence is ubiquitous. If the answer is nowhere, then the conclusion is clear:
Why the FUCK should I care about avoiding the risk when it's inevitable?
On the other hand, there is a lesson learned from this story:
Number 1: Transition from a mindset of fear to consciousness. Finding myself in this situation, I was penetrated by fear. I was also capable of mentally slowing down until the fear had passed and I was able to take clear actions. How was it possible to undergo this transformation? I remembered a quote by Frank Herbert from his novel Dune, which is a Litany to overcome fear. This Poem describes this conversion from fear to consciousness perfectly:
"I must not fear
Fear kills consciousness.
Fear brings obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will give permission that fear permeates me.
And when it has gone past there will be nothing left.
Nothing but I will remain."
What are the action steps I took from this Litany? I am willing to be overwhelmed by fear in threatening situations where I still have control over the environment. This could be for instance a really bad breakup or a heavy shitload of self-worth issues I’m struggling with. I’m exposing myself to the emotion of fear. Holding space until a state of acceptance for this vulnerable emotion kicks in and I'm able to pass from fear back to consciousness. And being very clear about which resources I can activate when the fear has passed.
Therefore, I’m working with the idea of an inner team or council. This therapeutic method helps solve internal conflicts between contradicting parts of the self (by Schulz von Thun). While practicing this method, I discovered that I also can consciously activate a specific inner voice as a resource. In the story I told you I could invoke my inner Strategist who’s excellent in planning and executing unemotional decisions. To sum it up, these two methods enabled me to navigate a dangerous situation and also leave the victim mindset behind.
Let’s dig into the second lesson. I haven’t incorporated this lesson fully yet, but it is a fertile soil for future personal growth:
Number 2: I shall not be moved. If there is no place safe, there is no safety. I have a body which by physical law needs some space in this world. Should I eradicate my body? No! This is also my world. It’s also my public space shared with others. I will claim these spaces. Found a quote from the poet Maya Angelou: ‘I shall not be moved.’ That means I hold my ground even in great discomfort. I’m holding my space, I’m not moving. I won’t dim myself. I will draw attention; I will be afraid again. But I will not withdraw from human connection based on fear and mistrust. I choose to expose myself to Life.