Clang! I heard the noise of something fly by and crash. Duck fast! Or else the flying objects might smash my head. I wish it was my head instead of Mom’s. The sound came from my Dad sitting on the couch reaching for drinking glasses to throw at my Mom from the table in our living room. My Dad would hit my Mom with the same cane my Mom used to hit us, while cursing incessantly. That’s how adults expressed anger, I learnt. 

Two years later, when I was 16, I remember cursing loudly in our backyard because I was badly hurt and betrayed. After that, I read many books including spiritual guidance books which transformed me into a calmer and more understanding person. Sometimes, I wondered if the ability to be enraged had left me. 

Unfortunately, my dark side reappeared when I met this guy fifteen months ago. He was just like my Dad: emotionally and verbally abusive. He swore at me when I spoke to him in a higher tone in restaurants. He swore at me when I confronted him about his actions which invaded my privacy like peeking into my phone when I was checking my finances. He swore at me when I refused to have sex with him. He swore at me when he saw me with a guy friend at a bar, even after we broke up. Intoxicated, he could not be saved even if Lord Buddha showed up, shouting: “Whore! Fucking bitch…fucking lying, cheating whore!…” My head went blurry, he kept accusing me of things I did not do and never did. Slap him! That was my immediate response and the next thing I knew, my hand was already across his face. That happened in my bedroom, in his car, and in his bedroom too. I regretted it almost immediately after I did it. I felt bad for being angry and violent because I believe in kindness and generosity. 

Becoming a responsible and affectionate mother to my children is my biggest personal dream. I would like my children to have a childhood full of warm and loving memories of which I am a part of. Right now, I am on a path of self-discovery: getting help from a professional therapist, keeping my inner social circle clean and focusing on each day as it comes. Sometimes, I don’t really know what I want. All I know is I am not going to repeat my parents’ relationship.