I didn’t know anything about darkness until I was 6.

I remember that our family moved to a new place when I was 6. I remember there were many children in my neighborhood. I remember there were two older guys who organized everything for the children to play; they were like “the leaders” of this gang of children.

I remember that nobody wanted me on their team because I was too small, thin, and fragile.

I don’t remember clearly if my parents requested that our neighbor look after me when I came back from school, since they always came home late from work. I don’t remember clearly that those ‘leaders’ were the sons of that neighbor. I also don’t remember clearly that they told me to play a special game with them if I wanted to play with all the children out there in the neighborhood. I don’t want to remember.

I don’t want to remember the way my vagina hurt and that irritating feeling there. The touch of their hands on my whole body. Their piece of meat that went into my mouth and hands. The way my 6-year-old friend shouted in shock: “That game is only for adults! Don’t you know? Your tummy will become bigger and there will be a baby inside you, and you will definitely go to hell for playing that game!” I don’t want to remember that…I don’t want to remember anything at all…

I realized when I got older that the times when I read all those books about going to hell is the actual, real hell. I was excessively afraid of death because I was so sure I would go to hell and suffer so much pain when I died. I didn’t play at all, only read. Because I was afraid to die. My habit of feeling guilty for everything that happened to my parents started at that time, because I thought my parents gave birth to me without fear of hell. My childhood was not fun at all. I was afraid of people. I didn’t play with my friends because I thought they would be disgusted with me if they knew me. I never told the truth. I always made up stories.

My mother gave me sex education books when I came of age. Only then I understood that sexual intercourse is part of nature and not something to go to hell for. But when I started dating, I always felt like people used me for sex. I was afraid people took advantage of me because of what I’d been through. I couldn’t trust anyone and I couldn’t build relationships. I was lonely…

I’ve been living in the dark for so long. So many years without getting a proper sleep. Finally, I got a chance to get out of those dark teary nights. I tried, and I got out.

Once, I was a victim who fainted when I saw those predators, but now I am a survivor who is smiling in the light…