Every evening at 9pm I am always on alert because it's the time when junta soldiers patrol the streets and check the houses on their list which have been reported to have guests staying.

I was so scared when they searched our house for the first time.  Somehow I managed to calm down and deal with it. Even though that was in the past, I keep panicking about what will happen if they come again. The uncertainty robs me of my peace as soon as I hear a car noise similar to theirs. The mental state of my whole city and the whole country is like being in prison. Life is terrible when you have done nothing wrong and have to live like a refugee.

We can not go about our work freely like we used to. To avoid being arrested, we have to hide and double-check everything we do, all the time. When I try to use sources to get information, I can no longer ask everyone. I have to assess first whether or not that person could be a danger to me later down the line. This slows down my work. Some people also do not dare to answer interview questions without fear anymore, like they used to. Some do not answer the interview questions at all anymore. When I keep talking about the past, I realize that I can only long for the past. Oh, the price of freedom is high.

Last year was even worse. I would often wake up suddenly in my sleep in a panic. In my dreams, I was running away from them or fighting in battles. These were my dreams every night. Once I realized that there was no escape from these dreams, I hurt myself. My memory has begun to fade and I have become forgetful. I know there have been many investigations where I live, and the area is full of soldiers and military trucks. If they have any suspects or doubts, they just investigate the residents. You have to show your cell phone and let them check you. Where are our rights and our freedom? We live in our own country and we are being oppressed. It is so terrible.

Some of my colleagues were arrested. I got used to hearing bad news and being unemployed, I lost my confidence and lost myself. Unfortunately, there was one time when I was feeling depressed and menstruating at the same time, which made it very difficult for me to control my feelings. Without really thinking, I cut off my hair which I had loved so much. It was my reactions and outward actions that expressed the horrible experiences in my mind. I could not control myself, so I did this without thinking.

I messed up with the people around me and lost my self-esteem. Now I am used to living like this. It's my normal life now. I feel pathetic about my life because it gets so low.